26. Divorce vs Widowhood: The Real Difference and Why They Shouldn’t Be Compared

I’ve seen a lot of heated posts on social media where divorced women compare their experience of divorce to widowhood. As someone who has lived through both divorce and widowhood, I can tell you they are not the same - emotionally, practically, or spiritually.

If you’re divorced, I’m not saying that life is easy, but whilst your situation may look to have similarities to a widow’s life, I can assure you it doesn’t. And therefore, you should never compare.

For context, you might wonder who on earth am I to be able to offer any type of judgement on this.

I am both divorced and a widow.

And whilst I wouldn’t wish either on any woman, I’d take divorce over widowhood any day.

1. Divorce is a choice

Whether it was your choice or not is irrelevant, the fact of the matter is that there was a choice.
When I got divorced it wasn’t my choice. My ex-husband declared he didn’t love me. I couldn’t make him love me, so the only available options were to stay in a loveless marriage or leave and (hopefully) we both find love somewhere else. Although at the point of separation I still loved my ex-husband, I did make a choice not to be in the relationship anymore. He made that choice too.
This might sound like it was an overnight decision, but it wasn’t. It took months to come to this choice and a lot of couple counselling too.

2. My children still have a father

There is no disputing the fact that my children still have their father. And as a divorced woman, this is huge. I’ve seen the effect grief has had on my children since losing their stepfather, but here is where the difference lies.

My children lost a stepfather. We were a family of four. This man raised them since they were little, he took them on every family holiday, he picked them up from parties at 1am, he cooked them meals, bought them clothes, got shouted at because he existed (as every parent does).

They miss him, they struggle with grief, and they have moments where it all feels too much.
A child whose father has died has lost all of this too, and more. They don’t have a dad they can escape to when their home feels a little too ‘griefy’. They can’t go to their dad when they need money for nights out or clothes. And in the case where the children are young, the mother doesn’t get every other weekend off when the children go to their dad’s. The reality is that the mother is the only living parent and is now the only responsible adult to provide for them both emotionally and financially.

Now you may say that as a divorced woman you have to do this too, and I do know of fathers who don’t step up. But having an absent father is not the same as having a dead one, and there is absolutely no room for negotiation on this.

3. A divorcee hasn’t had to watch the person they love take their final breath

When you are divorced there is heartbreak. I remember the night my ex-husband told me he didn’t love me. I wondered if I’d survive or not. But the night I watched the love of my life take his final breath will forever be imprinted in my memory. So much so that I developed PTSD as a result of it.
Divorce hurts, but death destroys.

4. Divorce creates anger

No matter how amicable the divorce is, there is always anger and resentment thrown in. Whether it be on who has the children when, or how money is divided, or who should own the sofa. Love gets replaced with anger and hate.

When you become a widow there is no anger. You loved that person until the day they died. And knowing what you know now and how the story would turn out, you’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

Would I have married my ex-husband again? Probably not. But I have two amazing children, so even knowing what I know, I would have to say yes. But I wouldn’t have given him all my heart.
My deceased partner deserved all my heart.

5. Divorce brings parties, death brings wakes

A divorce party is a time for divorcees to celebrate new beginnings. Divorce parties are as common as hen parties, but I doubt you will ever find a widow heading to Vegas to celebrate the death of her husband.

6. Widowhood changes everything

You walk into a room full of people as a divorcee and no one bats an eyelid. Go in as a widow and all eyes are on you. People avoid you, people feel uncomfortable around you. There is a huge elephant in the room.

If you choose to date after divorce, it’s acceptable. Choose to date after widowhood and everyone comes out with their opinions.

My daughter asked me a few weeks after my partner died if I would date again. I told her that the problem was when you meet your soul partner and the bar is set so high, it is very difficult to find someone who would match that.

I did feel like this about my ex-husband until he told me he didn’t love me. The bar got lowered immediately.

I know how heavy widowhood can feel, but I also know how incredible widows truly are. That’s why I created 30 Reasons Why Widows Are Amazing. You can download it here and keep it close for the days you need a little reminder.

7. It’s easier to move on after divorce

This may be controversial, but after being told that I wasn’t loved by my ex-husband, I wanted to find someone who did love me. And I did.
I don’t have that same motivation. I was loved by my partner till the day he died. That love doesn’t need to be replaced anytime soon. And even if I did meet someone new, that love would sit comfortably alongside the love for my late partner.

I certainly felt that I could move on much easier after getting divorced than being widowed.

8. I will love him to the day I die

This is something that is not uncommon for a widow to say. My heart will always have a Paul-shaped hole in it. Will it always have an ex-husband-shaped hole in it too? Absolutely not!

My vows were till death do us part, but the minute we got divorced those vows became void.
I loved Paul till the day he died, and will love him unconditionally until the day I die.

9. The fear of me dying

If I died tomorrow (which I hope isn’t the case), I know that my children have their dad. They have a place to live where they will be looked after. They are old enough to deal with the admin, but if they can’t, they have him to help.

As a widow, there is no back-up plan for the children. They will have lost both parents and have another ‘new’ life to navigate.

After my divorce I didn’t even consider putting together a folder of what to do in the event of my death.
As a widow I now have a folder of what to do in the event of my death. I know the anxiety that endless amounts of ‘sadmin’ can cause, and if I can do anything to help my children through, then I will.

10. Widowhood teaches you how fragile life is, divorce teaches you how nasty life can be

Widowhood shows you what can be taken away in an instant, so you start caring less about the unimportant things. Your perspective on life changes and nothing should ever be taken for granted. Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can do today.

Caveat

This topic has caused many debates on social media, and I would like to caveat this post and recognise that there are some situations, such as domestic violence, that are the exception to the rule. This would deserve a whole blog post in itself, but I have no experience of domestic violence, so I would be the wrong person to discuss it.

In this post, I am talking about my own experience as both a divorced and widowed woman.

Conclusion

Divorce and widowhood are both painful, life-changing experiences, but they are not the same. Divorce gives you a choice and a chance to rebuild, while widowhood takes away the person you love and the future you imagined. Both deserve compassion, but they should never be compared.

Widowhood changes everything, but it doesn’t take away your worth. Download 30 Reasons Why Widows Are Amazing and remind yourself just how extraordinary you are. Share it with another widow who might need this today.