28. How My First Solo Holiday Went

My first solo holiday

Technically my first solo holiday is actually a working holiday, but I’m on my own and I’m away from home.

I’ll explain.

Many years ago I set up a pet care business and one of the services that I offer is in home pet sitting.

Since Paul died I have stopped offering this service to new clients, but continue to do it for a few of my existing clients.

A week in The Cotswolds

One of these clients has recently moved to The Cotswolds, which is out of my area.

They had already got a week booked with me and asked if I would still be willing to do the pet sit.

I decided that I would take the booking and treat it as my summer holiday. Hence why it’s technically a working holiday.

There is so much to love about the Cotswolds, and there is also a lot to love about the client’s dogs too.

The version of me that I expected to be V’s the version of me that I was.

The plan was to enjoy being a tourist with the dogs. And yes, we have got out each day and done things. But the version of me that said ‘we’ll live like a tourist’ didn’t fully come out.

That version of me can be far more courageous. She needs to exist, just sometimes the fearful version becomes stronger.

My children were going to join me for a few days, but unfortunately their work schedules couldn’t make that happen

Here are the pros and cons to my first solo holiday.

Pros

1. I’ve looked after these dogs numerous times so I know them as if they were my own, which means we can confidently go out. I know the situations they won’t cope with and the situations they will thrive in.

2. I have a familiar base from which to explore. Even though they’ve moved house, everything else is still the same.

3. Looking after the dogs means I have to get out every day. Even on the days when I’m not feeling brave enough to explore, I have 2 dogs that will pester me until we go out.

4. I decided to embrace the week, I made a meal plan so that I ate healthy. I took a week off from alcohol. I broke the routine of bad decisions that I was falling into at home.

5. Even though I am ‘technically working’ I still have free time each day to do whatever I chose.

6. The dogs are really good companions, and I didn’t feel quite as alone as I would have done if I were completely on my own. They can be very mischievous at times and always keep me on my toes.

7. Dogs tend to create conversations with strangers. There are a few words exchanged whilst the dogs are sniffing each other’s backsides.

8. Although this is a paid sit, it has got me thinking about the opportunities available to travel as a free pet sitter using sites such as Trusted House Sitter.

9. I am fortunate to have the opportunity to do this. It may not be the summer holiday that I’d have really liked, but I am lucky to have some time off and visit new places.

10. The couple that I am pet sitting for have an amazing sense of humour, they treat me like part of their family. They knew Paul and came to his funeral, and I do feel that they look after me even though technically I am ‘staff’. Even though I don’t have Paul I am reminded each day that there are still people who care about me.

Cons

1. I’m a long way from home, and I have a new kind of homesickness that I didn’t have before. A home sick for my familiar surroundings, my children, my pets, my home.

2. The responsibility is on me and I have no back up worst case scenario plans. What if the car broke down, what if I lost the house keys, what if I broke my leg, what if I die? These thoughts have always been there, but I’ve always had Paul to fall back on.

3. I have to do all the driving. I’m a confident driver and am happy driving, but I have a massive fear of bridges / flyovers / viaducts and this causes a lot of anxiety when I’m driving in new places. Once I know the roads then I am ok, but until then I worry about what might lie ahead. Whenever we travelled anywhere new Paul would tend to do the driving. Which means each day I have to push myself through the fear if I want to visit places.

4. It’s lonely. There is no one to share anything with.

5. There is no one to make you a morning cuppa. This is a constant thing and isn’t just saved for the holidays. But a holiday where someone made me a cuppa would be lovely.

6. The enjoyment of visiting new places isn’t quite the same when you do it alone.

7. You are surrounded by people on holiday and that reminds you that you are on your own.

8. Being on my own can cause negative Nancy to pop into my head, and she is very unkind. She tells me that I’ll always be on my own, I’ll never meet anyone, I’m not good enough.

9. If Paul were alive he would have come with me, and this thought played around in my head constantly.

Looking for the Glimmers

I always try and look for the moments in the everyday life that do make me smile, if Paul were around these would be moments that I’d share with him.

These special moments seem to be noticed more than they used to be.

I’m not sure if this is because grief has changed my perspective on life. I now know how precious life is and that each day should have a moment imprinted to the memory bank.

Or is it I never truly appreciated what was standing right in front of me, and took so much for granted that I never stopped to look at things properly?

Here are the moments that reminded me I’m still living and have a life that needs my attention.

The Glimmer Moments

Glimmer moment 1 – I went on a walk on my own and sat in a field for a hydration break. In front of me I saw a couple of planes doing loop the loops. I shared this moment on my social media which you can see here – You can see it here on FACEBOOK or TIKTOK

Glimmer moment 2 – One evening the dogs and I went for a walk through the countryside, their cat came on the walk too. We spotted a Red Kite flying over the nearby field.

Glimmer moment 3 – I took myself on my first a solo coffee date and survived.

Glimmer moment 4 – I felt that being on my own would create some meaningful epiphany for me, it didn’t, but I did do a lot of good thinking.

I’ve been doing pet sits for almost 6 years so I am very used to spending time on my own, eating on my own, sitting on a sofa on my own.

But what I am still not used to even after 16 months is the fact that there is no ‘good morning’ or ‘good night’ message from Paul.

The doom scrolling reignited itself, which I actually hate, and the only way to stop this is to leave my phone in another room.

Would I do it again? Yes but I would have brought a friend with me too. The owners were encouraging me to do that, but the timings just didn’t work this time round.

A holiday doesn’t always mean beaches and sunbathing. It could be as simple as exploring places nearby, finding new walks to do, meeting up with friends.

Don’t get me wrong, there has been a huge yearning for a beach holiday, but that was never going to be possible anyway this year.

Grief doesn’t disappear, it packs itself neatly into your suitcase and is now a lifetime companion. It’s now a case of remembering how to work with it on the good days and how to handle it on the bad days.

One thing I always do when I visit a new place is to buy Paul a postcard and share with him the moments that made the trip. This way I feel that a part of him got to experience the moments too.

Life has changed, holidays have changed, I have changed. I’d give anything to have my old life back, but that’s just not possible.

Instead I have to try and live each day the way that Paul would want me to, and that includes doing things that might also take me out of my comfort zone. Because that was the version of me that he knew and loved.

This version of me he’ll never meet, but I was determined not to let her die the day he did.