What Makes A Good Funeral Song

This week I asked a question on TikTok.

I asked what song people had chosen for their loved one's funeral.

The comment section was filled with so many different songs. Some I knew and some I had to head to Spotify to have a listen to.

What I learnt from that post wasn’t just the funeral songs, it was so much more.

I learnt more about the people who were loved and had gone too soon, what their sense of humour was like, what made them smile. And knowing that information was such a privilege.

Songs are such a wonderful expression of emotions, and when someone loves a particular song it tells you something about who they were.

But what I also realised is that I am not alone in wanting to talk about my lost loved one.

Unless you have been through such a profound loss you don’t realise how talking about them and sharing a part of who they were is hugely important.

Even sharing it with strangers on the internet is somehow healing.

All the people who commented on the post wanted their person to be spoken about.

And as I read through every single comment, something else struck me.

There was no pattern to the song choices. There is no ‘predictable’ funeral choice. There was no ‘one’ song that appeared over and over again that would characterise what a funeral song should typically sound like.

There was just love and legacy.

A funeral song isn't really about death at all.

It's about a life.

A person.

Everything they were.

Paul's Choice

My partner Paul chose Afterlife by Five Finger Death Punch.

It raised a few eyebrows and still gets talked months later.

Five Finger Death Punch are a heavy metal band. Afterlife is not, by any traditional measure, a funeral song. The funeral directors didn’t have it downloaded on their song list, and had to double check and triple check with me that they had got the right song.

But it was so completely and utterly Paul, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Paul was an accountant and took his job very seriously, but he had another side to him too. He loved heavy metal and each year would go to the Download Festival with his best mate.

I, on the other hand am more of a Swifty than a Metalhead.

Paul chose the song when he was in hospital and it tells you everything about who he was. He didn’t necessarily like to be the centre of attention, but he did enjoy it whenever he surprised people’s perception of him.

The serious accountant always conjures up many personality traits, and whilst some may be true, there were some that weren't.

Only a few people knew that Afterlife would be playing at the funeral, and that element of shock and surprise would have really made him smile. Perhaps that is why he chose it?

My Choices

I have already discussed my funeral songs with my children. We didn’t sit down in a morbid kind of way, there is plenty of death talk in our house so we don’t need to add anymore to it. But if I could make my funeral arrangements slightly easier for more children then I will.

My choices so far are Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, and Mr Brightside by The Killers.

You can read more about the songs that have shaped my grief — and hear the full story of my playlist over on my radio show post.

What Your Songs Tell Me

Here is a small selection of the songs that came through in the comments.

I think each song reveals the type of person that they were. Without knowing them I've added what I think the person was like.

Flying Without Wings-Westlife

Someone who made the people around them feel like anything was possible.

Close to You-The Carpenters

Someone gentle. Someone who showed up quietly and completely.

Angels-Robbie Williams

Someone who made the people they loved feel watched over. Protected.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life-Monty Python

Someone who found the funny even in the hard times. Someone who would have wanted people to laugh at their funeral.

One Step Beyond-Madness

Someone who danced. Someone who made a room feel different when they walked in.

Don't Worry Be Happy - McFerrin

Someone whose whole presence was a reminder that most things work out. That there's joy in the small things.

Road to Hell-Chris Rea

Someone with a sense of humour dark enough to choose this.

Simply the Best-Tina Turner

Someone who was, to the person who chose this, exactly that.

Rapper's Delight-The Sugarhill Gang

Someone unexpected. Someone joyful. Someone whose funeral probably had people dancing in their seats.

Have I Told You Lately-Van Morrison

Someone deeply loved. And someone who loved deeply back.

Underground—The Jam

Someone who knew exactly who they were and never apologised for it.

Every one of these songs is a person. A person who is deeply missed and who deserves to be talked about.

The Question Nobody Asks

Here's what I notice, almost a year and a half into widowhood.

People ask how you're coping. They ask how you're doing.

Almost nobody asks about the person you lost.

Not who they were. Not what made them laugh. Not the song they chose for their funeral or the things in life they loved, their funny quirks.

And yet the 52 people who answered my TikTok question didn't hesitate. Because when someone asks - really asks - you want to tell them everything about your person.

That's what I built Letters After Loss for.

A place where two women write to each other every month - not to talk about grief, but to talk about the people they lost. The songs they chose. The holidays they hated and loved. The dancing. The surprises. The whole, full life of someone who deserves to be remembered.

Want somewhere to talk about your person every month?

The doors to Letters After Loss are closed BUT...

I've created a secret link just for readers of this blog. Click on the button below to join now, even while the doors are officially closed.

Your pen pal is waiting. And she wants to hear about your person.